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Mitch Alexander

Recent Projects

I just self published a fiction piece. I listed as a Psychology fiction. The title is "Shadow Acquired". It is the first in a series. I have begun the second title in the series, "Shadow Abated" and the third Title I have come up with is "Shadow Alight". I am currently working in a non-fiction piece, :CanSir: A Backward Path that is a memoir. It is intended to help people learn tools to survive not only cancer but life. I have a good start on another fiction title called "Spring From Me" which is in the sample.

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Psychology fiction relationships

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Motivational fiction

Experience, Credits, and/or Awards

I survived a hellish life.

From The Book

Spring From Me

part 1

Judy came home to find Mark sitting at the kitchen table. The house was completely quiet. No TV, no radio. Mark was not known to survive the quiet. Mark was obviously contemplative, from the look on his face. The first thing Judy thought was that he lost his job, or at least got laid off. It couldn’t be worse timing, if that was so. Judy was carrying their first child. After two years of marriage, the couple felt they were settled enough to start a family, well at least Judy was convinced.

“Mark, honey. Is everything OK?”

“Oh, hi Babe, I was just thinking.”

“What about? The layoff hasn’t affected you has it?”

“What layoff?”

“At the plant. Jerica at work, said there might be layoffs. Her husband is one of the supervisors. I told you that.”

“You told me what? That there were going to be layoffs?”

“No, that Jerica’s husband works with you.”

“Do you teachers know everything that goes on in town? Nobody at work has said anything about it.”

“Well, that’s good. So then, why are you sitting here, quietly?”

“Thinking, I told you?”

Judy felt the cycle starting again. Mark was a sweetheart, but could talk in circles. Judy didn’t know if it was designed to frustrate her, giving her reason to give up, or an unconscious protective mechanism. Judy wanted to support him in any way she could, but with a child coming she may not always have the time to think of all the angles to employ to get inside his head. She really needed him to take accountability for his half of the relationship. A child needs two well-adjusted parents.

“Mark, could you give me a little, more? What were you thinking about?”

“I don’t know. Things.”

“If I push to get more information, is it going to upset you?”

“No. I am OK. I was just sitting here thinking.”

“Can I suggest to you that something might be bothering you? How often do I come in to find you sitting quietly? Sometimes you have the radio on and other times the TV.”

“I was listening to that Maroon 5 CD you bought. It went off and I guess I didn’t notice.”

“So you were deep in thought, even if you don’t know what you were thinking about. Are you worried about being a father? That it won’t be just you and I anymore? That our sex life will be affected?”

“I might have been thinking about all that. Mostly I was thinking about a girl I dated.”

That came as a revelation to Judy. She felt a bit of jealousy rise, but knew that she would kill the sharing now, if she couldn’t maintain her cool. Mark looked at her and he wondered if she could hear him. It wasn’t about anything being wrong with the marriage. He loved Judy more than he could describe to her. He saw that look. He knew he better nip it in the bud.

“Babe? I am happy with you. I wasn’t thinking about her because of anything you did, or, or that I cared about her more than you. I don’t know why she came to mind. I was just a kid. 14. What did I know about girls? Anyway, she’s dead.”

“Whom is this? When did she die?”

“Rachel. A long time ago. She was only 16.”

“Were you the same age? Did you go to school together? What was her last name? I never heard about her.”

“I didn’t know you then. She was a friend of a friend. We dated.”

“When you were 16?”

“No, 14. I told you. She died when she was 16. A car wreck.”

“Oh, right after she got her license then? How did you date at 14? Your folks wouldn’t have allowed that.”

“They didn’t know. Well they did, after I fell in love.”

“Surely you didn’t have sex with her at that age.”

“Babe, what do you take me for? No, we snuck around and kissed.”

“You kissed, only kissed, and you were dating?”

Judy was taking this as a joke. Well, not that she didn’t believe her husband, but it seemed to her that something besides some girl he claimed to date, was spinning inside his head. She decided to speak to his mother the first chance she got. Maybe she could shed some light on this story. For now, she was going back to Mark’s first story, that he didn’t know what he was thinking about. Judy knew better than to think Mark knew anything about love at 14.

“Were you thinking about anything special for supper?”

“So you don’t want to hear about it, now that you asked?”

“I suppose you’ll talk about it more when you are ready. Maybe I should have left it alone.”

“I could handle smothered burritos.”

“Super. That is your specialty. I can help cut up the veggies. You take care of the cheese. My wrist is bothering me again.”

“Doesn’t cutting veggies bother you too?”

“Not as much as holding that grater and the cheese. Do we have everything we need?”

“Dunno, I didn’t look.”

“Usually when you decide to cook, you look to see if we have the ingredients. Mark, you are concerning me.”

Mark went to the frig while Judy checked the canned goods. Mark was glad to see Judy had a baggie of hamburger thawing. No cheese. Just enough of the other ingredients. Judy pulled out 3 cans.

“Judy would you mind running to the store?”

“What are we out of?”

“Cheese. We have half a head of lettuce, tomatoes, onion, and sour cream, yup, it’s still good.”

“Over here, we have refried beans, green chili salsa, and black olives. You want to try it without cheese?”

“Babe?”

“OK, I’ll go, but you are going to have to do the rest. I’m not going to have time.”

“I can handle that. Thanks, Babe. Love you.”

Judy saw it as an opportunity to call Mark’s mother. She could pick up the cheese at the grocery and see what Beryl knew about this Rachel. Maybe Mark had talked to her about what was going on with him, maybe he didn’t, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. Judy called as soon as she got out of the car at the grocery.

“Hey Mother B, I have a question for you. Do you remember much from Mark’s teen years?”

“Other than I would rather forget about it? No, what is your question?”

“Mark said he dated a girl when he was 14. I couldn’t imagine you and Garnet would have allowed such a thing.”

“We never would have allowed that, no. Mark liked some girl when he was young, we had a fit, and that’s the last I heard of it. He may have kissed her. We didn’t get a straight answer.”

“Do you know her name?”

“No, I am not sure he told us, I don’t know how he knew her. She called him once. We put our foot down. Judy, are you fighting?”

“No, nothing like that. Out of the blue today, he came up with this girl. He said she died in a car wreck.”

“Maybe that’s why we didn’t hear anymore. I don’t know. I was more concerned about Mark and his dad at that point.”

“OK Beryl, thanks. Love ya.”

OK, so at least some of the story was confirmed. What was the issue with Mark and his dad? A mystery was growing from a simple question about what Mark was thinking. Judy hoped it would blow over by the time the baby was born. Maybe Mark was disappointed that they were expecting a girl? Judy hadn’t thought about that before. She assumed he was as excited as she was. He never said anything to the contrary. She hoped she was wrong.

“Mark, have you had any other ideas on names? Rachel perhaps?”

“I like that name, but I find that I like a lot of the Bible names.”

“Oh? I didn’t know that.”

“I never thought to tell you. I did think Poppy would be cute, too.”

“I’ll help you with the table. As soon as you finish the cheese, we can eat.”

“Is it just me, or are you baiting me? You set me up with a question, and then you drop it.”

“I just wanted to let you know I was going to help you with the table. “So you did. I think I could have figured that out.”

“OK. Do you have any reservations about having a girl?”

“Is that why you called mom?”

“What?”

“She asked if we were fighting. Yeah, she called when you got off the phone with her.”

“Is that all she said?”

“Yes.”

Now Judy wondered how often her mother-in-law played one against the other. She meant no harm. She only wished to know if Beryl knew something she hadn’t. Mark wanted to know what precipitated the question from his mother. What could Judy have said that led his mother to think they were fighting. He gave up fighting as a teen. It was best to keep his thoughts to himself. He never got anywhere disagreeing with his father. The next thing he knew, his parents would be, after, each other. If he has anything to do with it, he would not fight with Judy.

Judy finished setting the table and placed the toppings on the table. As a matter of fact, she would have served Mark better, to leave the two plates sitting on the counter. He generally fixed the plates buffet style. He liked to keep the pots on a low temp. Judy realized she was preoccupied now, by how she found Mark. She herself, was having to take the day off tomorrow for a pre-natal check up. She would have preferred waiting til next week. The students would be off for Thanksgiving. She understood too, that was only for her convenience, not Dr Nilhaus. Mark served her as she sat down.

“Are you worried about something yourself?”

“I do have the appointment tomorrow.”

“Yes I know. I am going.”

“So do you have reason to be concerned?”

“How did this turn around to me?”

“I thought the baby was about us?”

“Yes, so it is? It must be hormones.”

“So what made you think of Poppy as a name?”

“Back to that. I guess my mind was wandering. When I think of spring, I think of flowers. All those characters on “Keeping Up Appearances” have names of flowers don’t they? The sisters?”

“The food is good again. I don’t think this meal is that difficult, but it is better when you make it.”

“Food is always better when someone else makes it.”

“I cannot deny I like giving you a turn at the stove. I mean it, yours is better than mine.”

“It’s the love I put in it.”

“Yeah, I don’t put love into when I cook.”

“This seems to be taking a sour turn. I love to cook for you.”

Mark has found that he made allowances for Judy’s sudden mood swings. He talked to guys at work who’ve been through this. Even particularly loving wives, move from 400 grit to 10 grit sand paper. When his parents lost a child, he didn’t remember if they fought during the pregnancy, but they had afterwards.

Judy knew her mother was excited about having a grand daughter, the first. She promised to make a frilly, girly dress for Sunday’s. She thought back to her wedding dress. Her mother created a perfect dress of off-white Duchesse Satin, covered with ivory organza w/pearl & clear stone embroidery lace. She got all that she had dreamed in that dress. She wondered now if her mother would be around to see her grand daughter marry.

“Honey, the alarm is going off, you forgot to change the time. This morning we are going to Dr Nilhaus’.”

“So now I have to decide whether to get up or lie here and catch a few more minutes of sleep.”

“Sorry, I should have shut it off and reset it.”

“No, you would have had to waddle around the bed to do that.”

“I don’t waddle, not yet any way.”

“OK, whatever you say.”

It didn’t matter if Mark got any more sleep now, or not. Judy was hurt that he said she waddled. She was no way near, fat, enough to waddle, she had gained very little weight, to date. She would lay there and brew. Mark realized that he unintentionally hit a sour note with his wife. Nothing he could say, was going to help. It’s like the question, “do I look fat in this?” No matter what you answer, it’s going to come out wrong. Mark decided to let it go. He did find himself awaking when the alarm went off again, but he felt less rested than before.

“Mark? I got up earlier, and I think there was some blood in the toilet.”

“That can’t be good. That’s not normal, right?”

“I don’t think so. I am too early to be having any problems.”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. We are going for an ultra-sound right? Let’s see what the doctor says, surely she knows more than we do.”

“She’s never had any children, Mark. What does she know?”

“I hope she learned something in medical school.”

“Right, OK. I am going to call mom quicky before we go, maybe she has some ideas. You jump in the shower and we can head out.”

Mark did as he was asked. He was going to, anyway, but it seemed a requisite this morning. Mark felt uneasy about the spotting, if that was what it was. He couldn’t think that meant anything good. He got a picture of his fears, but could not see the whole view. The thoughts of Rachel were no random meandering. He was afraid that he could not keep a daughter safe. How did he know that? Was that not part, of a being a father, to a girl, is making sure she was safe? He would spend more time ruminating over that particular awareness.

“Mom, I think I am spotting. Is there anything to worry about?”

“Oh dear, Honey. I think you may be over doing it. Do you think you can take your leave of absence starting at semester break?”

“I don’t know. We have the doctors visit this morning. I think she might be able to tell us something.”

“Well, I would say, share what is going on, with her. Call me with whatever she says. All we can do is pray.”

“OK, I’ll do that. I love you mom.”

“I love you too, honey. Believe everything will be fine.”

Nyla Hockersmith was not easily ruffled, but she was truly scared. She had been so excited to finally have a grand daughter. Judy was her only daughter and she wanted to have the company of another, little, girl. Being a dressmaker by trade, the boys she raised had very little interest in the frocks she made. If nothing else, they were a little jealous of the clothing their sister got to enjoy. She closed her eyes and prayed fervently that nothing bad would become of her upcoming grand baby. And may it be so.

“What did she say?”

“She wants me to call after we get out of the appointment. She wants to know what the doctor has to say. Until then, I guess we are on pins and needles.”

“I guess you are pretty worried then?”

“Aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to worry until I know I have something to worry about. I am concerned, but until we know what we’re dealing with, we can’t do anything. Babe, I am going to right there, with you.”

Judy was reeling. First of all, how could Mark be so calm? How does he seem to know what to say, but when you ask him about his feelings, the world seems to collapse? He presents himself as a paradox, as do most men. What was it going to take to get Mark to show her what he felt? Sometimes the frustration of trying to figure him out made her wish she had a pick-ax to unearth all he had buried.

Mark was on his own journey. He was not sure what else was safe to say to Judy, about Rachel. He also knew that other memories were beginning to bubble forth. He wondered if that was a natural reaction to becoming a father. He wondered if his own father had experienced the dread of failing? His father had only been twenty, as compared to his twenty-seven years, so maybe he had been too green to know what he was facing.

“Hello Judy, Mark. How are you two doing today?”

“She seems to be spotting?”

“Is that so? Judy how did it present?”

“She saw it in the stool.”

“Can I answer for myself?”

“Sorry, just trying to help.”

“For real, Judy, most men don’t even bother coming to the appointments. So when you toileted, you saw blood? Was it mucusy or more fluid?”

“I think watery. It didn’t really look thick.”

“Did you have any cramping?”

“Yeah, before I got up.”

“What about intercourse?”

“I like it.”

“Yes, I’m sure you do Mark.”

“She likes it too.”

“Did you have it last night?”

“No.”

“OK, spotting is not that uncommon. Do you have any urinary tract issues when you aren’t pregnant?”

“She drinks cranberry juice.”

“Good, so nothing like that?”

“No, not really.”

“Any vaginal pain or pain around the cervix? Any swelling?”

“No. Sensitivity, but that’s normal, right?

“OK, so it probably isn’t the plug, or uterine separation. A little early to tell, but that could indicate a possible miscarriage.”

“Oh my gosh. Mark?”

“Listen to her. She said, she didn’t think it was that.”

“I am not saying it is not a concern, but let’s take it easy. Fortunately your employment is not physically demanding, but dealing with kids is always stressful. Mark, would you mind doing more of the house hold tasks? Let her relax when she is home?

“Yeah, I can do that, it’s not forever, just til the baby is born, right?”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, a child is at least an 18 year project. This is only the beginning. This is like the honeymoon, you are in love with the idea of having a child, then it arrives. I always tell moms the first year is just keeping up. No joke.”

“I kind of knew that. I was just thinking that she could lift and do stuff around the house once the baby is born and healthy.”

“Yeah, all of that.”

Judy was in awe of Mark. Even though he came to every other appointment, he had sat back and listened, primarily. Today he took charge. The manly thing to do. She still didn’t know what he felt. Men take action, they can do that. Maybe her mother could give them a hand. Mark wasn’t going to be able keep up with everything on his own. If nothing else, she didn’t think it would help the situation, to keep after him to get things done.

Mark was more concerned about Judy’s mental well being, than the unborn child, but he knew the reality of the situation too. Working 7:00 to 3:00 would really make a difference. He could get laundry thrown into the washer when he got home, and cook. Cooking might be a bit harder. There were only a handful of things he knew how to make. Maybe his mother could give him some ideas for easy things to make. They both might get sick of sandwiches. Sandwiches, grilled cheese and soup, he could make that too.

“Let me step out for a moment. Judy, I’ll let you get situated on the exam table. You can keep your panties on, but pull your pants off, if you would. If you are secure with your top on, fine. Here is a disposable cover, please use it.”

“Do you want me to step out too?”

“You did this to me, there’s no reason for you to step out.”

“I just asked, sorry. It’s not that I mind seeing you. I have never been in an exam room with someone who had to disrobe before.”

“Well get used to it. If we have boys, you’ll have to do this later.”

Dr. Nilhaus stepped out and Mark stood up and felt self-conscious, but also a little stupid, in this setting. Judy removed her pants and top. She sat on the table with the cover, to await Dr. Nilhaus’ return. In a way Dr. Nilhaus was glad that she hadn’t gotten married, not only would it have been a hassle to deal with moody women, while she was pregnant, she also saw, how the fathers that came in, are treated. She hoped they either let it run of their backs, or are forgiving. It seemed to be, the men who are more tender, are the ones that show up for the appointments anyway. The only thing worse, is when the mother and the husband, both show up for the appointment, with the patient. That can get ugly. Dr. Nilhaus knocked on the door?

“Come in”

“Are we ready? We’ve gotten a little smarter in here. We make sure the gel is warm. It not only surprises the moms, but wakes the babies too. I can’t say that this machine doesn’t bother them, a little anyway. I am not sure I would want to be scanned, either.”

“Will you be able to tell anything more with the ultra-sound?”

“To a degree. Medicine is not an exact science, and it’s best to look at it that way. There are many variables. We can tell the strength of the heart, the outline of the baby and the gender. Since we already knew the baby is most likely a female, I don’t see that as making a difference.”

Dr. Nilhaus moved across the lower abdomen, along the left side of Judy’s growing bump, then to the right side. A serious look appeared on Dr. Nilhaus’ face. She retraced the steps. Mark held tightly on Judy’s hand. Judy felt her blood pressure rise.

“OK, I need some help here. Please Judy, breathe. I am detecting a Doppler effect, a double bounce if you will. I am not trying to scare you. There could be a couple different reasons for it. Mark, why don’t you focus on your breathing too. Together let’s get in sync.”

“Do I worry now?”

“No, not at this point. Let’s take a practice breath, Long inhale. . .Long exhale. Do that together. Mark, you can lead. Judy, look at Mark’s face, concentrate, on him.”

Dr. Nilhaus paused before she placed the wand back on Judy’s stomach. She realized it might have been less distracting had she kept contact between the wand and Judy’s stomach. There was no other choice but to move in slowly. Even though listening intently was not really going to provide much more information than before, Dr. Nilhaus found herself struggling between the breaths she directed, and the subtle nuances of the hum. Craning her neck instinctually, Dr. Nilhaus got the result, she hoped for. It may not be the one expected, but not disappointing either.

“Are you ready?”

“Does it matter?”

“It is good news, well better that you feared.”

“Oh?”

“Twins. I guess the second one was smaller. Still is, from the looks of it. Hiding behind it’s sister.”

“Oh my. I can’t believe it. Mark, do you have twins in your family?”

“I’ll have to research that.”

“Two girls?”

“I cannot say that for sure, right now. With the testing we did before we believed that it must be a girl. I am thinking now you could be seeing a little penis too.”

“For real? A boy?”

“Don’t get set on anything right now. Be open. Let’s set you up with another ultra-sound next visit. We ought to have a better view. Literally, hopefully.”

“I am so relieved. I would rather have twins than loose one.”

“Speak for yourself. I have to carry them.”

“I know what losing a child did, to our family.”

“You never told me about that. Your mother never told me that.”

“Why would we bring it up. It was painful.”

“Well guys, I’ll have to put another tick on my chart. Go out and celebrate.”

Judy felt that Dr. Nilhaus had no reason to think twins, was something to be excited about, but like Mark said, it was better than a miscarriage. Mark also felt pangs of fear. He had noticed before, that he was afraid of failure, now that was doubled. For Dr. Nilhaus, this was still not going to be an easy process. It was likely the other fetus was weak, and could die before, or even after birth. What she hoped for, was that creating a belief in a positive outcome for the couple, they would be more likely to actualize it. She was not one of the doctors that easily throw out worst case scenarios to her parents. For the most part it has worked. It is a fine line to walk. Telling parents that things are fine, and they aren’t, can be devastating. Having a child is a risk. It is amazing that more problems don’t arise.

Copyright 2012 - 2013, Mitch Alexander

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